Last week I posted something on Facebook that apparently resonated with a lot of folks. I stumbled on a post while scrolling one day that was titled “Note To Self” and it read “ You can’t control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do or say gets filtered through the lens of whatever personal shit they are going through at the moment. Which is not about you. Just keep doing your thing with as much integrity and love as possible.” The post sparked a wildfire and so many people “liked” and commented on the post. I even received some inbox messages from folks who expressed they really needed to hear this and thanked me for sharing my experience.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the quote before, but this time it really spoke to me in a very deep way. I shared in the post that while traveling a few weeks ago I was highly offended by the actions of someone I admire. I talked about how I had to take the deepest breaths so that what they did and said didn’t break me. To know me is to know that I have a genuinely kind heart. I mind the business that belongs to me. I’m very generous (I get that from my momma). I’m an introvert by nature, so I don’t do a lot of people and socializing. So when I choose to engage with other folks my time and energy is precious to me. To be mistreated, disregarded or disrespected doesn’t sit well with me at all.

Some of you may remember growing up and experiencing that “mean girl” in your class and if she wasn’t dealt with as a child you ran into her on a college campus or even in the workplace as an adult or in different social circles. After my recent encounter with said “mean girl”, I began to do my googles to dissect the bad behavior that I have seen in her and heard about from others. I really should have been a Psychology Major because I love to learn why people behave the way they do. There is always something that is going on beneath the surface that at its core is the reason for one’s actions, good or bad. The word “narcissistic” came up in a conversation I had with a friend and I thought to myself that may be a little extreme to refer to the “mean girl” as a narcissist, but when I researched narcissistic behavior I just couldn’t deny the description was this individual personified.

WebMD says that narcissists often:

• Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self esteem, self-importance, self confidence, and often feel like they are superior to others)

• Are arrogant

• Take advantage of others to get what they want

• Believe they’re unique or special

• Exaggerate achievements and talents

• Need constant admiration

• Feel envy toward others

• Believe others envy them

• Lack empathy

• Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power or success

• Have a sense of entitlement

Wikipedia describes  “destructive levels of narcissism” as follows:

“Narcissism, in and of itself, is a normal personality trait. However, high levels of narcissistic behavior can be damaging and self-defeating. Destructive narcissism is the constant exhibition of a few of the intense characteristics usually associated with pathological Narcissistic Personality Disorder such as a……..here it is…..

“pervasive pattern of grandiosity”, which is characterized by feelings of entitlement and superiority, arrogant or haughty behaviors, and a generalized lack of empathy and concern for others.” Y’ALL!!!!! 😳

When I returned home from my travels, I tried to rationalize what happened. Was I blowing it out of proportion? Was I being overly sensitive? Did I say or do something to warrant their bad behavior? Nope! None of this was true, because I really do have tough skin and I’m always looking for the good in everyone I encounter. I don’t usually let things get to me. It takes a lot to get under my skin, but while I may have tough skin in most scenarios, I do have feelings and emotions. How I treat people matters to me and it should matter to you as well. Being kind is a skill. A skill that I have honed. Especially when you have worked in the Customer Service arena for over 33 years. It takes a lot to be kind to people even when they are vicious and mean. Listen, I worked in a DC area airport during the insurrection, engaging with thousands of Proud Boys, Oath Keepers and other Trump Supporters and I maintained my cool and my employment. So I can handle your average “mean girl.”

However, my encounter with this particular “mean girl” really rubbed me the wrong way. Although, I was hurt, I was empathetic. It made me want to reach out to the person and help her. I’m still praying about how to do that, because she does need help, it just may not need to come from me. This is why I’m grateful for this space. It allows me to share in a way that’s bigger than me and even reach out and help more than just the people I encounter.

I started #FaceitFridayswithDalya several weeks ago where we’ve been #NormalizingHardConversations. This “Mean Girl” culture has gone on for far too long and it is definitely a hard conversation we need to have. People are watching you. Children are watching you. Non-believers are watching you. If you have gone through your life and have had several failed relationships with people whether it be a marriage, friendship, professional or familial, check yourself. Are you kind? Are you receptive when your friends or close family members call you out on your foolishness? Do you practice what you preach? Do you have integrity? Do you lead with love? As discussed earlier, as it pertains to high levels of narcissistic behavior, do you have a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, which is characterized by feelings of entitlement and superiority, arrogant or haughty behaviors, and a generalized lack of empathy and concern for others?”  Ask yourself these questions and be honest with yourself. We can’t continue treat people any kind of way and call ourselves followers of Christ. Our humanity depends on it. Kindness is what we need more of. It’s just that simple. Be kind.

Don’t be the “mean girl” or boy! We all have struggles. Some worse than others, but our struggles does not give us permission to be rude and hurtful to others. Our positions and proximity to certain people doesn’t insulate us from being accountable for bad behavior and make us beyond reproach. Our ultimate responsibility is to be like Christ in the earth and to represent him with compassion and love for others. We are to be the salt of the earth, not salty!

When I read that “Note to Self” it made me realize that the “mean girl” has some deep rooted issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Dealing with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD,  may require a more advanced emotional skill set like that of a doctor, but as a friend or family member let’s just start there. With your encouragement they may seek medical treatment. The “mean girl” needs help! It will take someone in her circle of friends that she trust to sit her down and be totally honest with her about the behavior she exhibits that is harming others. So that’s what my prayer will be. Lord put someone in her path that can speak truth to her in love. Take away her stoney heart so that she will be receptive and understand that she cannot continue being the “mean girl”. Love on her, so that she can be loving. Show her kindness so she can see and desire to emulate that. Heal her deepest wounds that have been the root of this bad behavior. Help her see that continuing through life dismissing and devaluing others is not how Christ would have us treat our fellow man. We need each other. Relationships and community is so important. There is value in all of us simply because we are made in the very image of God.

I know it’s a hard conversation to have, but if you’re THAT friend, if you’re that family member or colleague that is close enough to the “mean girl”, talk to her. Talk to her for you, because I know you’ve experienced their narcissistic behavior. Speak to her for us cause sis if I’m honest, we’re tired! If you love her, don’t allow her to continue hurting people. Don’t allow her position or status to intimidate you. She’s human just like you and me. She needs help, maybe a little tough love and if it’s severe enough, medical treatment.

Just a few tips when dealing with a Narcissist:

•Pray about how to intervene.

•Pray for the language needed to have the conversation.

•Be careful. Narcissist don’t take constructive criticism well. Keep the conversation positive. Remain calm and try not to react if they try to gaslight you making you doubt your own reality.

•Don’t expect deep or meaningful communication from them. Narcissists have very little empathy and are hard to get through to. They may get angry or shutdown.

•Try not to bring up their long line of past behaviors, just stay in the present when you express yourself and your hurt feelings.

The “mean girl” needs you. Chile we need you🤣

According to WebMD, “people with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage the relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.” That’s why my first tip was to pray. Prayer changes things and there is power in prayer!

Lastly, some advise also from WebMD. “If you recognize narcissism in yourself, you can begin to change your self-esteem to self-compassion. This means you treating yourself with kindness instead of comparing yourself to others. You can stop trying to evaluate yourself against others, which can lower your need for praise and recognition.”

Thanks so much for joining me! If anything here resonates with you, please feel free to leave a comment. If you’re dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or on the narcissism spectrum, share your experience. You never know who may stop by this space to offer help.

#FaceitFridayswithDalya

#NormalizingHardConversations

Doing all things well,

Dalya