A lot can be said of the relationships we have with our adult children. From the time they are born we look at them and see nothing but love, innocence and potential. What we fail to spend a lot of time thinking about when they are just babies is what kind of adult will they be. We don’t really focus on legacy and how our parenting plays a huge part in what that looks like. We were just trying to soak it all in and be the best parents we could be. 

As I’m writing this, my perspective is from that of a single mother. Not one who sought to have that role, but found myself divorced from my daughter’s father when she was just a toddler.I raised her in a household alone, but I had the most amazing village of family and friends that poured into her and contributed so much to her life and to mine. 

Fast forward to adulthood! 

I want to acknowledge all the parents who have good relationships with their children and even those who have encountered roadblocks when it comes to your relationships. I would love to hear from you in the comments how you and your now adult children have made it to this phase in life. What did you do? How did you handle challenges? When it got hard, how did you pivot? 

The adult child/parent relationship can be a very complexed one. In a perfect world we would all love to have great relationships with our grown children, but unfortunately that’s not always the case. What I’ve learned from some close friends and family members over the course of a few years is some of these relationships are filled with contention and strife. Our adult children have struggled with transitioning from childhood to adulting, and if I’m honest we as parents have had our own struggles. Sometimes they just don’t have language to articulate what they are feeling or experiencing. When they do express themselves we may interpret it as being sassy, ungrateful or entitled. While there may be some truth to that I would venture to say the root cause is much deeper. Our adult children simply communicate in a way that we were not used to growing up. We also may feel like we raised them to be more respectful and kind than the way they sometimes express themselves. I’m not talking about just being outright disrespectful, but just telling us how they feel and what they are thinking. We want them to be able to articulate well in situations where people may not think like them or weren’t raised in similar environments or cultures don’t we? I say yes! Yes we do. 

Our children love us, but they want us to treat them like adults. Now, you may be thinking, uhhhhmmm  they are still “dependents”! They are still on my insurance, they are driving cars that I’ve paid for or assisted them to acquire. I help pay their rent and other bills. I help them with my grandchildren and they are always in my pocket in one way or another. I know, I know, but they are 18 and over, therefore “officially” adults. So as we acknowledge this truth we have to find ways to nurture the reality of them adulting and shift how we communicate with them. We were raised pretty much to do what you’re told and not to necessarily have an opinion about anything, at least I know I was. So when we encounter these conversations with our adult children that seem borderline disrespectful, in their mind they are just trying to be heard, to be seen and acknowledged. 

In recent conversations, specifically about adult children who are estranged, healthy dialogue has been the number one challenge. These complicated relationships have taken a toll on adult child/parent interactions and even the relationships of other family members. Some haven’t talked to their adult children in months or even years and others communicate, but only via text every now and then if ever. It’s a sad, disheartening phenomenon. 

Let’s get into the “WHY”. Why would an adult child and a parent not communicate or if they do talk there’s always conflict. I would argue it stems from something that happened very early in the relationship. There may not have been open communication growing up. Another thing to consider, which I have been guilty of, is assuming. Assuming my daughter knew things that I should have taught her. Allowing handheld devices, television and other people to answer questions I should have been answering. This is why it is so important to have purposeful dialogue with our children before they reach adulthood. If from childhood into adulthood there had been heart to heart discussions and interactions with our children, the transition from age appropriate conversations to  adult child/parent conversations may have been a little less complicated. I know hindsight is always 20/20, so no matter how we got here or who’s to blame, where do we go from here?

I would like to offer a few suggestions, some of which I must adhere to myself. Rather our relationships are good at the moment or tumultuous, there are sure to be opportunities for learning and growing for all of us.

First up is Prayer! A lot of it. Nothing has sustained me and kept me  more than the prayers of my mother and grandmother. We say we pray for our children, but do we really? It is imperative that we take time out of our busy schedules and call our children’s names to God. Be specific about what you need and want God to do for them and in their lives. If you need a starting point I recommend Stormie Omartian’s “The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children”. It is an amazing book of stories about Adult Children and what to pray when we are standing in the gap for them. 

Second, is Therapy! Do your research and find the right fit. Encourage your children to do the same. The benefits of a great therapist are endless. What you discover about yourself can have so much impact on not just the relationship with your adult child, but the other people in your life. Some of the issues we face with our adult children stem from years of “stuff” that we ourselves have not come to terms with. Not confronting them only allows it to spill over into how we parent and later how we handle our children when they become adults. 

Lastly is communication, which we’ve already talked about. With any relationship, healthy dialogue is key! If it’s not healthy, revert back to my first suggestion to pray. Pray about what to say and how to say it. Check your intentions prior to having a conversation. If your relationship is estranged and you are not communicating, don’t stop praying. God hears you. 

One thing about our communication with adult children is that we can be more transparent and vulnerable. We can talk to them and not at them like we may have done when they were children. Setting clear expectations and boundaries is important when we do this so there will always be mutual respect. I know a lot of times for me, I didn’t listen to my daughter. She even told me that once, or twice lol. I felt I was the adult and the person with ALL the answers. Communicating with her as an adult, I notice that she is more open to share when I’m listening and being respectful of her opinions. We talk a lot more now than we did when she was a child. One huge regret I have is that I didn’t listen more or have more conversations with her when I was calm. Most times I would wait until I was angry or tired. I can’t go back, so moving forward I make the best of any opportunity I have to just talk to her. There may be a lot of things we can look back at and think we didn’t get right as parents. It wasn’t perfect for me by any means. 

Our life and role as parents will never end. We gave birth to them and although at times we may have promised to take them out, we are still here. Keep them lifted. Get therapy if needed to help you all navigate through the storms. Communicate if at all possible. Don’t let pride get in the way. We are all trying to make our way through life. Cherish and nourish the good relationships you have with your adult children. Don’t take any moments for granted. Pray without ceasing for them daily, even when they veer off track. They belong to God and he promises to never leave them nor forsake them. He also said to teach them and when they are old they won’t depart from what they’ve been taught (paraphrasing) Proverbs 22:6. Be confident in that. Children listen to you. They heard you. They see you. One of my greatest joys is witnessing my daughter using affirmations, listening to gospel music, praying or declaring God’s promises over her life. Trust in the seeds you’ve planted, they are sure to bloom. 

Let’s Face it this Friday! Normalize Having Hard Conversations. Talk to your adult children. Be kind. Extend grace. To yourself first and then to your children. Talk with your friends and family that may be able to help you navigate through those rough patches. Create safe spaces and a soft place to land for your adult children. They still need you. Although at times they may not act like it, they still want you in their lives. 

We may not like to talk about the relationships we have with our adult children, especially the ones that are estranged, but it’s necessary. It’s necessary for our Legacy. It’s necessary for our children and our children’s children. We need to foster kind, responsible, respectful humans. It will make them better parents, friends, employees, employers, colleagues and just a better person. 

Comment below if you stopped by today. Feel free to share your adult child/parent relationship story with us. You never know who needs to hear it. We’re in this together. Living well is our portion!

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Doing all things well,

Dalya