Is it Church hurt or nah?

I recently joined a church in Houston, Tx where I’ve lived a second time for a little over a year now. I say a second time because I moved to Houston in 1991 and then to Northern, Va in 2012 and back to Houston in 2021.

In the 21 years I lived in Houston the first time, I was a member of two churches. One for about 9 years and the other one about 10 years. I’m fuzzy on the exact year I joined these churches, but I know there was a 1 or 2 year gap between the two. When I moved to Virginia in 2012 I never “officially” united with any church. I often joked with friends and family that I’ve been in church all my life, therefore I have “church credit”. Something totally made up and although a joke, it was my truth. I felt I had enough bible and teaching in me that I didn’t need to attend a local church. When the pandemic hit I saw it as confirmation for what had long been a practice and ideology of sorts for me and that was online church being enough.

I still grapple to this day with  the reason I never found a church home in Virginia. In the back of my mind I think I considered “church hurt”. Before I moved to Virginia in 2012 I had already slowly began to leave the church I was a member of in Houston at the time. There were some things that transpired that were unsettling. I was an active member of a Team responsible for gathering women for a conference held annually at the church. An incident caused things to shift.

I was really surprised to find a definition of “church hurt” when I did my googles. One definition was “a term that refers to the pain sometimes inflicted by religious institutions” or “a pain that distances sufferers from their communities and from God”. I’d like to think the latter of the two best describes how I felt at the time. The incident that took place definitely caused me pain that distanced me from the church for sure, but not from God. What I know now is the pain I felt was betrayal. I placed unrealistic expectations on church leadership, or as I’m thinking about it now was it really unrealistic? What are our expectations for those who Pastor or take on leadership roles in the church? That’s a great question! I think in and of itself that could certainly be a whole conversation for another day.

I grew up in a relatively large Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas. I always viewed and held the Pastor there in high esteem. Even as an adult I have never heard anything negative about the Pastor. You know when we were children we weren’t allowed in rooms when adults were talking so when you became an adult you were told things that shocked the socks off you. Well, to this day, I have never heard anything negative about my dear Pastor, rest his soul. He was always held to the highest regard by the congregation and the community in which he served. I mentioned that to say I’ve always used my childhood Pastor as a standard for those who would Pastor me as I became an adult. He was a model preacher, par excellent! Like a father figure who could do no wrong and in my mind he never did.

I’ve been a member of 5 churches in my 56 years including the one I just joined recently. The church I grew up in, a small church I joined as a young college student, and now 3 of the 5 while living in Houston. To me that doesn’t seem like a lot when you consider folks who are serial church hoppers🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤣. I never wanted to be one of them.

On this #FaceitFridayswithDalya as we continue #NormalizingHardConversations I’ll raise my hand virtually and ask “is it church hurt or nah?” The fact that I often compared church leaders to my childhood Pastor probably wasn’t a good idea. In doing so I may have taken my eyes off the ultimate example of what Christ and the church looks like. Although I do feel Pastors and other leaders in ministry should certainly live a life guided by the principles of the word of God, they are human with some of the same struggles and shortcomings as a layperson.

Church hurt is a thing in part because of the expectations we have on those leading us in our local churches. Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t have some level of expectation, but we shouldn’t allow those expectations to take our eyes off Jesus. The author and finisher of our faith. However, this conversation is two fold. One speaks of our church’s Leadership and their responsibility to always lead with love, grace and integrity. If you are a leader what part do you play in someone’s decision to leave the church? You may not notice when there are a few individuals or families that leave, but if you start to see key people who were involved in ministry, there is definitely something there that requires your attention. Take a step back and don’t be afraid to apologize, come clean and employ God’s mercy and grace as you continue to lead God’s people. Romans 3:23 tells us “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.

The second part is as a congregant, follow Jesus and him crucified. He’s your example of how you ought to live and conduct yourselves. Don’t allow man to come between you and your relationship with God. Church hurt can be prevented when leadership and parishioners keep the main thing the main thing and his name is Jesus.

The church is supposed to be a place where we learn more about God and gather with others to be encouraged and strengthened. Life is hard. We are all navigating through stuff. From Pastors, to other leaders in the church, to those sitting in the pews. We are all on our own journeys.

I chose to unite with a different church after returning back to Houston a year ago. Was it because of “church hurt”…. maybe. I just needed a reset and so many things about this church reminds me of the church I grew up in. They sing Hymns, I mean all stanzas 🤣. I love it and thanks to my grandmother, I know every verse. The Pastor is amazing and always has a transformative word, but I dare not compare him to my childhood Pastor. I understand that he’s human and so am I. Flawed, but forgiven. Saved by grace. They do a lot in the community and for their members. They have awesome opportunities for growth for every age in the church and the list goes on. It’s just a right fit for me and where I am in this season of my life.

I often think about why I couldn’t bring myself to reunite with the church I attended prior to moving to Virginia. Was it really church hurt, or was it my own inability to separate my angst from an incident that was painful to receiving what I needed from the church. What I realized is the incident created a crack in the foundation of my belief in church leadership. I was no longer receptive to anything I was being taught under their leadership, which was not just uncomfortable, but was just not what I needed in order to continue to grow spiritually. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope so.

I feel like we can go back to a blog I wrote a few weeks back and review communication. Open and honest conversations could be like preventative medicine when it comes to church hurt. There’s a saying in Corporate America “people don’t leave jobs, they leave managers”. The same can be said of churches. Parishioners don’t leave the church, the institution, they leave its Leadership! We need to do better as we lead God’s people. If you’re chosen and called, be called to a higher responsibility of ministry. Lead with love. Have integrity. Be light. Be aware and cognizant of those you’ve been called to lead. It’s not always church hurt, but sometimes it is.

Whew! That was kind of heavy. No one really talks about why they left or would consider leaving a church. They just get up, raise that one finger, tip out and magically appear in another congregation. Belonging to community is a key part of the human experience. We need each other. I didn’t consistently attend church for almost nine years and now that I do I realize how much I missed the fellowship and gathering with other believers. My faith never wavered, but my cup is no longer half empty, but half full. Although I’ve had my share of “church hurt” I’m convinced that nothing will ever separate me from God’s love.

Thanks so much for stopping by today. Feel free to share if anything resonates with you.

I love y’all!

#FaceitFridayswithDalya

#NormalizingHardConversations

Doing all things well,

Dalya