Daddy Issues

First and foremost Happy Father’s Day to all the amazing men who have held it down in one way or another for their own or somebody else’s child. We see you and we appreciate you. At a time when many men, especially black men, are labeled with less than applaudable stereotypes, I am grateful for the ones who have pushed their way through and have been active and present. Being that dad, uncle, big brother or mentor, you showed up and I acknowledge that as we go into Father’s Day Weekend. Thank you and bless you my brother! 👊🏽✊🏽🤎

I have been preparing this piece mentally for quite sometime. I actually wanted it to be the trailer for my upcoming Podcast (yes, you heard right,PODCAST…..stay tuned), but as I work out all the technical aspects, I couldn’t allow Father’s Day weekend to pass without sharing “Daddy Issues”. There are so many angles from which I could approach this subject , but I want to focus on one, well maybe two of them that certainly is appropriate for #FaceitFridayswithDalya.

As I was thinking about what to say today, I knew that I wanted to include my only child Mya to be a part of this conversation, so we will definitely hear her thoughts in a few. Just a little backstory. I was born to a single mother. My father was not a consistent part of my life growing up. I only developed a relationship with him as I became an adult. My father/daughter story tho, will be shared on another day. Fast forward…. I married my daughter’s father, who shall remain nameless, in March of 1997 ( I think 🤔). My daughter was born in 1999 and my ex-husband and I were “officially” divorced in 2001. Let me preface the rest of this blog by saying I never, no never, spoke ill of my daughter’s father in front of her or to her. Never! What she knows about him she gathered from her older siblings from his previous marriage and his inaction.

My daughter has never had a relationship with her biological father, which was a decision we both made. Him by neglect, inaction, as aforementioned, and inconsistency. Mine by love and protection or at least that was my intention. I felt if he couldn’t be consistent with his court ordered visitations, I was not going to allow him to come and go as he pleased. My daughter is worth more than that and I wanted her to always feel like she was. So after trying to follow what the courts laid out for him, there were one too many instances where he didn’t show up. Sometimes he would call with an excuse and other times he was a no call, no show.

I think too often women want so badly for their child to be a part of their biological father’s life that they will accept any kind of behavior from them. That is not my story. I demanded consistency or nothing. He chose nothing. So 22 years later, after milestones, celebrations, graduations and so many memorable moments she still has not connected with him. Now she has 3 older siblings, nieces and nephews that she knows and loves. Her dad’s twin brother, who is a Fire Chief in a South Texas city, has ALWAYS been there for Mya. She has a big brother and Uncles and other male figures in her life. It certainly takes a village and I’m so glad she has one.

I’m reading a book called “My Seven Black  Fathers” by Will Jawando. A story of seven men he chose to highlight that loved, protected and mentored him. They were his village. What I found very interesting and intriguing in the book is how each of those seven men played a very important role in Will’s life exactly at the time he needed them to. The lessons and the timing of them were a perfect storm of sorts. I’d like to think Mya has had the same experiences with the male figures in her life.

My interview with my daughter Mya revealed some things that we’ve never talked about. I asked her some very challenging questions and told her to be honest and not feel like she would hurt my feelings in any kind of way. I wanted to know exactly how her adult mind has processed her not having a father in her life growing up. Like Will Jawando, Mya told me her Uncle Karl and my Godsister’s husband who she affectionately calls her BFF, Lester Baity are her go to’s. They loved, protected and mentored her.

Mya is bright, loving, and sensitive. She’s compassionate and caring. She’s woke and intuitive. She made sure I knew that she doesn’t blame me for her dad’s decisions and feels he is fully responsible for, in her words, “being a deadbeat dad”. She also let me know that she feels deeply that I made the right decision for her, when she was way too young to know what the impact of being fatherless would be. I did ask her if she was interested in talking to him and she said somberly…… “not really”. She does want to understand his thought process and how someone could live their life as if they don’t have children. She said she doesn’t feel she would be respectful if she had the opportunity to speak to him. A part of me wanted to say , now you have to be respectful, but that is something you would tell a 12 year old, not a 22 year old. I want her to be able to express herself in a way that is true to her own experiences and trauma. I mean even Jesus turn over tables 🤷🏽‍♀️. So she gets to be mad and angry. I did my part as her mother growing up teaching her to respect her elders. One thing we have to learn as parents is we have to earn respect. We can’t just say anything to our children or treat them any kind of way and expect them to respect us. Children are people with real emotions.

I had a few takeaways from my conversation with Mya. She mentioned what kind of legacy is her biological father leaving for his children. Good question🤔. She also said she doesn’t have any regrets about not having him around. She feels she was better off. She shared that she has friends whose fathers were in and out of their life and it had a negative impact on them. She’s glad she didn’t experience that. What she did have was love from me and her village and that is what has mattered to her. Although Mya’s biological father somewhat defined who she was growing up, he does not dictate what she has become or who she is becoming. She’s taken what her Uncle Karl and Baity has modeled in front of her and poured into her and has her own idea of what a real man looks like.

I pray that every man who has fathered a child understands the impact their presence AND their absence has on that child’s life. I’m grateful for my brother and Mya’s bestie that have stepped up to be what Mya needed.

Thank you all for being here. Just trying to continue #NormalizingHardConversations. Talk to your children. Allow them to feel all the feels and navigate their way through them knowing they have your support and unconditional love.  Have open dialogue with those you trust about what that means to you as well. My conversation with Mya relieved me of some of the guilt. I’m always thinking of things I could have done differently as a single parent. I’ve always wondered if I made the right decision by her. Sometimes I feel like my “Daddy Issues” spilled over into my parenting. It may have in a few ways if I’m honest. One thing it did do was make me conscious of my legacy. Our talk was liberating. For both of us.

Mission accomplished!

I love y’all

Happy Father’s Day!

#FaceitFridayswithDalya

#NormalizingHardConversations

Doing all things well,

Dalya