I am somewhat acquainted with grief. My losses have been experienced up close and afar. Two of my younger 1st cousins, my dear grandmother, my dad, a casualty of the pandemic and my 13 year old Pomeranian. I’ve had friends, their parents or their children, other family members, Coworkers and people I didn’t know personally die and all of their deaths certainly impacted me in some way.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I made a post on Social Media about a friend losing their son. He has the heavy task of laying him to rest tomorrow. My prayers are with him and his family. This is hard. It’s a lot. Overwhelming. Unfamiliar. Complicated.

I read a post that he shared a couple of days ago where he expressed that he is appreciative of all the love shown towards him but over being hugged and asked if there is anything he needs. He was so honest and vulnerable as he shared he doesn’t know what he needs. This is all new territory. Shortly after seeing his post I read an article by Ashley Judd in The New York Times, expressing the need to “keep private pain private”. She discussed how she’s having to get a court order to keep the details of her mother’s death and the gruesome interviews that she endured all while her mother was dying private.

I’ve had my share of deaths, but never of this magnitude. I’ve never lost a child and my dad, although I feel COVID stole him from me and my siblings, he didn’t die by suicide as Naomi Judd. The aftermath of these tragedies are hard to deal with just on the surface. To immediately be surrounded by people asking questions, lending a hand and being unknowingly intrusive in other ways has to be overwhelming. Although intentions are pure in most instances, there is very little understanding of exactly what the person experiencing the loss is going through emotionally, psychologically or spiritually. The dynamics of that human experience has to be devastating,especially when  their loved one passes unexpectedly or tragically.

I’m sure my friend who lost his son and The Judd family know those who are close to them mean well. Many times people just don’t know what to say or how to react. They just know that you’re hurting and think they know what you may need to help you in your time of sorrow. They sometimes can’t see beyond your hurt enough to know that you don’t even know what you need at that moment. As much as you want to be there, I employ you….. just Let Them Grieve.

Like everything I approach in my life prayer is always first. Pray for them. Pray for their peace and comfort that only God can provide. If he chooses to use someone to tangibly be there for that person, pray that he sends them and that they are equipped to be whatever they need them to be.

While you may have experienced loss, someone else’s loss is totally different from yours. With that said, there still may be some universal experiences and emotions that can help support people on their bereavement journey. It’s ok to acknowledge their loss,by card, call, or maybe even condolences on Social Media. Just be careful of the language you use while communicating. Telling a person “they are in a better place, God added a flower to his garden, time heals, everything happens for a reason,” are just some phrases I’ve heard people say that you may want to avoid when sharing condolences. Acknowledging simply means saying I’m sorry for your loss and I’m keeping you and your family lifted in prayer. Even letting them know how incredible their loved one was and that you will miss them too and letting them know that you are thinking of them, are all ways you can express sympathy in a respectful way.

Some people express themselves on Social Media when they’ve lost a loved one. It’s usually more cathartic for them and not necessarily done to get sympathy or feedback. I know when my dad passed away almost 2 years ago I would often post how weird grief was when I was having those moments. It felt good to just express it openly. Not looking for anything in return from those who follow me, just getting those thoughts out of my head. Speaking of which, grief really is weird. When the burial is over, no one’s dropping food off or coming by, grief sticks around. It stays for a lot longer than we’d like it to. It’s annoying, but also a reminder of just how much our loved one meant and means to you. My grandmother passed away one day after her 95th birthday in December of 2012. I miss her and still grieve her death on some days as much as I did the day I held her hand while she transitioned. I can be cooking one of her favorites and tears will roll down my face. Yes, grief is weird, but let me grieve.

The initial shock of losing a loved one may not be the best time to make yourself available to the bereaved. There is so much to process in that moment. Yes acknowledge the death. Let them know you are there, but let them grieve. In the days, weeks, months and years following the death think of ways you can make your friend or family member’s life easier. This may be the best time to show up. Grief reminds me of that hamster on a hamsters wheel at times. I can jump on it, playing over in my mind what happened. Missing my loved one like crazy and then I’ll jump off and go about my daily task. Never forgetting them. I’m always thinking of them, but I’m not consumed or replaying events over and over in my head. In those moments when I’ve stepped off the wheel it would be nice to go to lunch with a friend. Pull out a gift card that was sent and buy me something. Read a “how are you today” text message. Go to the mail box and there’s a card there that simply says “thinking of you”. Someone may stop by and do some yard work. They may call and ask if there are any errands they can run for me. There are so many things you can do down the road that will have a much greater impact and feel less intrusive than in those initial days when death was fresh and everything was a blur.

On this #FaceitFridayswithDalya as we continue #NormalizingHardConversations let’s acknowledge how we respond to the bereaved. Since your friend or family member may be on this grief journey for the rest of their time on earth, there will be many moments for you to be there for them, but for now, just let them grieve. Let them walk into this unknown space they’ve never experienced and didn’t ask for. Their mind is shaken. Their heart is broken into a million pieces. They don’t know what to do themselves, so they certainly aren’t able to articulate what they need. They’re lonely, hurting, confused and devastated. Please don’t be offended if their responses or actions aren’t what you expect them to be. There will be many days where they may not be themselves and others where they are very much themselves and will speak up and say what is on their minds. Be patient with them as they try to feel all the feels and navigate their new normal the best they can. Pray for them and their family and simply let them grieve 🙏🏽😓

Thank you all for stopping by this space today. Walking alongside your friend or family member during their difficult moments is hard. They are fragile, so handle with care. What they are experiencing, especially initially, is strange to them. Grief has many stages. It requires patience and understanding. Pray before you speak. Think before you show up. Lend them grace and keep them in your prayers.

#FaceitFridayswithDalya

#NormalizingHardConversations

Doing all things well,

Dalya